Bug - 1 Me - 0

I thought I would brighten your day by telling you about the newest addition to my happy little household. Late last night while watching TV a creature approximately the shape and color of a cockroach on steroids, but perhaps a bit larger and scarier, (known in the south as a "water bug") ran from beneath the couch on which I was sitting to under the TV. Now, I have a ridiculous and somewhat hysterical fear of large, agile, or flight capable insects of any kind, and this bug was certainly the first two. Therefore, I immediately turned on every light in the vicinity (including closets) and found a shoe. As I ascended the stairs I HEARD the patter of this vile insect’s feet on the hardwood floor. As soon as I came within eyeshot of the bug, it stopped….when I moved, it moved. We were facing off, John Wayne style. Unable to move an inch closer than the five feet span now between me and said bug, I bravely threw my shoe hoping to squash it by my expert aim. Negative. Instead it ran straight toward me. Naturally, I began jumping and squealing like a mad person, so it changed direction last second and began to descend the stairs. As I took a moment to breathe, I considered going back to sit down on the couch and pretending that it didn’t happen. And then I thought, ‘my bedroom is at the foot of the stairs. Hell No!’ So off I go down the stairs. I make it three stairs, and it has heard me coming, and begins to descend the fifth stair. The sudden movement elicits yet another squeal and I realize if I don’t end this soon, I’m going to have a very pissed off roommate. So, in an effort to be brave I chase the bug down the hardwood landing, where it perches on the baseboard behind a three foot decorative candle holder. Again, too afraid to get close enough to squash it with the shoe, I throw the shoe once more and successfully knock over the candle, with a very loud bang and send the bug running in circles towards me, sending me back up the stairs squealing. Now, I’m positive someone is about to come down the stairs and throttle me, and yet I remain paralyzed with fear of going downstairs where this bug is lurking. I gingerly put the candle stand back together, and tiptoe around the stairs where he is down on the wall of the staircase. Now even more eager to see the end of this bug’s life, I bravely make a firm, and loud whack at this bug ... and somehow miss, yet manage to send the bug down the stairs completely and hiding beneath a flip flop amongst the sea of kicked off shoes at the foot of the stairs. I stood over the flip flop, preparing to buy someone a new flip flop if I can just work up the courage to jump on top and kill it for good. I was worried, however, that when I jumped it would escape at the last second and jump on me, which would send me into a fit to shame a banshee. As I waited, it would peak out the side, yes PEAK OUT , and when it saw me it would go back underneath. So I carefully stepped toward the flip flop and sensing its impeding doom it ran out the other side! I began desperately whacking after it as it ran through the maze of shoes, and it ran…. Right. Inside. The Closet. I turned on the light, opened the door and wait for 20 minutes or more, rustling things around, hoping to scare it out…but to no avail. So, unable to rest my nerves I grabbed a towel and stuffed it under the door, hoping to keep it in, at least while I sleep. I then turn off all the lights, and decide its time for bed, this insect war having exhausted me. I go in my room, I turn off my light, and I sit down to my computer to shut it down for the night….and let out a scream I’m surprised didn’t wake my roommate AND the neighbors. There was a damn fake bug was sitting between my keyboard and my mouse put there by someone who thought it would be funny. And the bug is still in the house….

such is my life.